Going Through the Stages of Grief On Valentine’s Day

Feb 14

Winter was supposed to be “cuffing season,” but the end of 2023 seemed to be an anomaly where no relationship was safe. Whether your favorite situationship decided they weren’t over their middle school girlfriend or your partner of 6 years made out with their coworker (just me?), you probably used music as a coping mechanism. For me, it was a Spotify playlist aptly named “What the F**k.” Here at Pleaser, we want you to know you aren’t alone in your grief or your hunt for the best breakup tracks. So while you continue to process all of that hurt, just know each phase you move through can be accompanied by a complete stranger echoing your exact feelings.

Denial

You got the text. Something along the lines of “We need to talk,” “I screwed up,” or “This just isn’t working anymore.” Your stomach drops and suddenly everything in your life is flipped upside down. Through tears, you may even have to call your workout studio and say “I can’t come to class today because my boyfriend cheated on me.” At that point, nothing feels real and suddenly the lines between right and wrong fade away.

“Cellophane” by FKA Twigs is the perfect earth shattering track. I don’t even think I can look at Robert Pattinson the same knowing that this track is about him. She captures how devastating the end of a relationship can be, especially emphasized in the repetition of the line “Didn’t I do it for you?” I would be lying if I said I had not sung this while crying in the shower.

“Quitter” by Sydney Sprague is another breakup track highlighting the doubt the end of a relationship can make you feel. She sings of decision paralysis and wondering whether the breakup was the right choice. It’s extremely difficult to recognize your position in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. Accompanied by a nostalgic acoustic guitar, Sprague asks, “If I loved you again could you love me better?” The decision to walk away is almost always accompanied by an insidious sense of doubt and failure.

“To Me” by Leith Ross is an ode to understanding that you deserve better. They touch on how it’s easy to ignore shortcomings in order to hold onto a relationship. In the last bridge, they ask, “Do you know how humiliating it can be to beg for forgiveness that you shouldn't need?” highlighting the lengths they were willing to go to keep their lover. The track has minimal accompaniment and forces the listener to hear Ross’s words, contrary to the way they were ignored in the relationship.

Anger

I often struggle to process my anger. It seems as if I don’t allow myself to feel upset and jump straight to feeling sad or trying to fix the issue at hand. Music can be a great tool to feel difficult, deep emotions. Sometimes you just need someone yelling about their unrequited love to find a way to move forward.

“Two Beers In” by Free Throw perfectly captures relationship rage. There’s something cathartic about white-knuckling the steering wheel of your Mom’s Rav4 while scream-singing Midwest emo. An angsty male voice sings, “You walk in with the new boyfriend you met just last week / His big grin / He doesn't know that you'll leave him so broken and alone.” When it comes to an end I often find myself unable to tap into my raw emotions or bitterness, but with the help of any 2010’s emo band, I find my ability to feel genuine, unbridled anger.

“Kill Her Freak Out” by Samia beautifully captures those dark feelings kept under the surface. With organs droning, she sings “I hope you marry the girl from your hometown / And I’ll fucking kill her / And I’ll fucking freak out.” Samia’s words are comforting for those struggling with deep feelings and just looking for something to yell. I could write a whole essay on this track… Actually, I already have (read it HERE).

“Conscious Uncoupling” by Pool Kids is a breakup anthem with an instrumental reminiscent of 90’s alt-rock power ballads. The track swells at the bridge where lead singer Christine Goodwyne yells, “I never wanna hear that tone of voice again / I never wanna see that stupid look on your face again / I never wanna feel like I am wasting your time.” Simple screamable lines and punchy guitar parts make “Conscious Uncoupling” an emotional journey through anger and acceptance.

Bargaining

Maybe it’s because I am a Virgo sun/Virgo moon, but bargaining is something I struggle with the most. The urge to fix and problem-solve in order to preserve a concept or idea is at my core. Oftentimes when faced with unfavorable outcomes, otherwise strong individuals may start self-sacrificing to the point of detriment. These feelings are completely valid and it can help to just let go and sing about it.

“I Don’t Smoke” by Mitski details a woman’s resolve in a failing relationship. Despite the relationship being unhealthy, she volunteers to take away his pain. Oftentimes we sacrifice ourselves continuously in order to keep a lover. Mitski sings over droning guitars, “If you need to be mean, be mean to me / I can take it and put it inside of me.” She begs her lover to use her however he needs, as long as he doesn’t leave her alone.

“Break” by Alex G is about considering quitting a drug addiction for the one you love. While this track doesn’t necessarily depict a breakup, the lyrics still touch on toxic dependency. The only way the singer will quit is if his lover stays. However, since both are unhealthy addictions, the decision to quit is not as positive as it could be. Alex G repeats, “And I'd break for you baby / 'Cause you make it feel so good'' reinforcing that his lover is just as addicting as his high.

Depression

I’ll be honest – there were days I couldn’t get up. There were days my friends came over to feed me, do my laundry, and clean my apartment, because I simply could not. Dealing with feelings of depression can be extremely difficult since the symptoms often feed back into feelings of worthlessness and nothingness. However, there is a whole world out there willing to accept you wherever you’re at! I recommended reaching out to and leaning on those you love for support or even a trusted mental health professional. In addition to those things, these tracks can be comforting when you’re in the deepest of pits and the light at the end of the tunnel is distant and fuzzy.

“someday i’ll get it” by Alek Olsen is a grainy, melancholy track with straightforward lyrics that tug at the heart. There’s nothing sadder than rain and traffic, which is probably why both of those sounds are in the track’s backing. Olsen sings of a lover leaving and ends the track with “So I’ll just drift away / And disappear for a while.” The simple chords and shaky tone are reminiscent of how it feels right before bawling.

“Coffee” by Chappell Roan is a heartbreaking ballad about the inability to meet with a past lover because of where she knows it’ll lead. She painfully sings, “Meet you for coffee / Only for coffee / Nowhere else is safe / Every place leads back to your place.” The depression really sets in when you realize how different your life and future with someone is post-heartbreak. Suddenly every place is romantic or has an implication. Chappell ends with the repetition of “It's never just coffee,” because it rarely is.

Acceptance

One day you wake up and everything just feels kind of all right. Nothing necessarily feels great, but your day-to-day starts getting back to normal. I find extreme comfort in knowing I was a person before my breakup and I will be a person after my breakup. Even those really intense TikTok love poem slideshows won’t give you a massive pit in your stomach. And who knows, maybe the right person was there all along helping you through it via extremely long phone calls or they are just a few steps ahead of you waiting for their chance to be everything you could ever imagine and more. I like to think everything happens for a reason and we all come out of these situations with somehow even more love to give <3

“I’m All Right” by Radiator Hospital is lyrically and instrumentally simple. The singer, Sam Cook-Parrot ends every verse with, “I’m all right.” It’s comforting to hear the phrase repeated to the point of acceptance. He sings, “I don’t know if you got my letter / I don’t know if your cheeks got redder / I don’t know if you feel better / But I know that I’m alright.” Acceptance feels sustainable and real, once you reach the point of being content with unknowing. Despite not knowing anything about the person you were once tormented over, you are all right and will continue to be all right.

“Nine Months” by Annie DiRusso details a 9-month relationship that was anything but idyllic. She wrote the track during and after the relationship, which gives a full-bodied perspective of all the emotions she went through. It can be helpful to hear about others’ situations in their entirety. DiRusso sings, “ I took my time now I know what it was / So don't you ever say we were in love / You ruined my life for nine fucking months.” The anthemic track ends in a way that lets the listener know everything will be okay and sometimes people just suck.

“the way things go” by beabadoobee symbolizes moving on perfectly. I may be partial to this track because of the lines, “Didn't think you'd ever stoop so low / Getting with the only girl you know / A lousy route that only makes me say / ‘That's pretty lame and that's the way things go.’” However, the lightness of the track paired with cheeky lyrics and an airy tone provide a sense of comfort. Not to mention her inclusion of sassy references make the track more relatable since it’s not realistic to act like nothing bothers you anymore. If a girl as cool, beautiful, and talented as beabadoobee can come out of heartbreak minimally scathed, then maybe so can we. And, truly “I guess that’s just the way things go.”

Honorable mentions

Olivia Rodrigo’s entire discography. :)

Check out PLEASER’s spotify for this article in playlist form and FIVE other playlists that explore all the different kinds of phases of love you may be experience this Valentine’s Day! PLEASER LOVES YOU!